| | http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etzoGPkjbp4 What i have done, what i have felt, and what i want to be a part of again. *** I dont remember a time where i didnt know how to read, i forget when i learnt to do it, i forget who taught me, the only thing i remember was not knowing how to spell my own name, and not knowing how to spell the word 'could' for a classroom assignment. my roomates are watching serendipity, i am watching myself on a video, and my eyes are entirley unfocused. im drinking a bottle of coke and it looks like im downing ink, but im not, its just pure sugar and caramel colored phosphoric acid thats so so sweet. * * * at 1:23 pm on the next day you return from an open house. the cielings were low, it was dark, the kitchen was small, it was cosy, you pictured yourself living there, your indoor slippers beside your bed, your body scrubs on the side of the tub, a mug, green, on the table. and you thought, for asplit second how wondrous it would be to have a house of your very own, with each room smelling of different things. one room would smell like lavender and the curtains would be light light purple, the chairs and plates would be white, the flowers would have violet petals and you would drink your taro bubble tea and taro cakes on a cafe stool next to the window. Yesterday night when i was drifting off to sleep (and i actually drifted for real. sleep just came. WOWZA), i was thinking of the uncle i never had that my mother told me in the midst of yell-sob fest 2 years ago. The conclusion i have reached is he fell in love with a woman that my grandparents didnt agree with and then he ranaway with her. provoking them to disown him and pretend they never had a 3rd son. THAT, or he could be gay? thats a big possiblity. my mom mentioned that he was a model. I dont think it had to do with alcoholism, because thats too mild. Drug use perhaps? hmm. perhaps. perhaps. perhaps. I dont know if he killed himself, i remember vaguely my mother touching upon it, but this could also lead to a 'we dont have a son' attitude amongst a brown family. But again what could have led him to off himself? being unallowed to marry? my mom said i reminded her of him. And at the time i was a horribley pathetic version of myself that jumped from 'ecstatic' to 'severely sad' on a daily basis. So im guessing this man was really depressed. DJFSADFGDSGDS FUCK i want to know SO bad. it will be my mission this summer to find background information about this man. i think the most terrifying conclusion i have reached though is what if he's still alive? PERHAPS, perhapsio. tammy told me to ask my grandma, but i think thats going overboard. what if she was the reason he's gone now? i dont know anything. this entire topic is actually invalid to anyones life, probably even mine, as it doesnt help my current situation. im thinking i might pray or something. i dont know. last resortish things out of my control type of desperation. reading 'eat, love, pray' may also be hugely influencial in this method of 'saving oneself'. i have no money whatsoever now except for 50 cents in my 'change bucket'. i have used it all up on tim hortons coffee. my debit cards lost. i have to go get a new one. i need to write a letter to my mother about switching out of journalism. i have to watch a brown movie that will distract me from my own life. i dont know how to sort out these priorities. i dont know anything. i am a useless incapable fool. i know how to sleep soundlessley. i know how to smell good. i know how to touch peoples hair gentley. i know how to read stories. i dont think i know anything usefull. P.S: bommarillu is so good. |
