Currently Debussy for Daydreaming see related

            My mind is a slab of rock that is not moving. It’s crushing the rest of my body under its fierce pressure of black plague like thoughts. It is not moving. It is shifting very slowly, grinding itself into slush. And muck.  And a bowl of soppy cereal. Fruit loops. My brain is full of loops and loop holes from trying to avoid the circumstances I currently reside in. I will jump through these hoops to avoid consequences, to avoid confrontations, to avoid sadness, until it is slush, and then I cant, then I step on this icy muddy milky sludge in my head and feel it under my feet. Surfacing through the space between my toes, making my socks wet, making me feel drenched in a heavy concentration of dirty water. That I drink, that I bathe in, that is in the air, in the sweat on my bed, the side of the sink, the mirror, my spit, and the dampness in my hair. I can feel myself spiraling into a messy version of something I used to be a long time ago. I can see myself flickering, I can see static, I can see my own hands turning into a seven year olds, I can see it stretching itself out on trees and under pipes, through dust on benches and the ledge of a balcony. I don’t know.

I am so scared of what I can and cannot do. I am so terrified of the way I am. I havnt felt this hopeless and confounded in probz 21 months. So what is the dEEEEEl, what do I gotta DOOO? Get on my kneeszzzz and pray to ZUESYY on mighty Olympus. Do a sun dance? A rain ritual? meditate? Mediate? Take up hip hop? Cancel out all these negative emotions using Buddha boards and wishing pots while taking on another way of life? Believe in karma again? Write a letter to god? Write a letter to George carlin (god, again actually) ? write a letter to my mom? To rosanna? Drink tea with paprika in it? put flower leaves under my pillow to achieve beautiful fragrant sleep? Sleep? I sleep. Im tired of my fingers and my toes and my skin and my hair and my eyes and how my throat is always dry. I feel like an overdrawn belle and Sebastian song without a good melody, but just the broken down splutter of someone incapable and under nourished of something worthwhile.

          i hate gay music, i hate repetitive routine. i hateeofkdvmfvklmkmo koplsdp[fl;c=3power09fu4 yrg fbhvnkclc;][d;fckmr kjcxngjofc[][e'wl;fsdf]

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